I'm sad...

I feel like writing can be very therapeutic. So, here goes nothing.

Warning: There are no cute pictures in this post. This is me. Raw, uncensored, and un-edited. I usually don’t write posts like this. But I need to get this out. I don’t feel like I should glamorize my life for the sake of my blog. Some days are hard. This is one of them.

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No matter how hard I try, Friday is getting closer and closer. I would GLADLY go through that horrible labor process again if that meant I could have 12 more weeks with my little guy. How do moms go back to work after having a baby? It’s hard for me to admit, but money could buy me happiness! I would be so happy to stay home and take care of my sweet boy. Financially, we can’t do that though. We need my income. It. Sucks. I have cried, I have begged, I have pleaded. I have said I would eat Ramen Noodles for every meal. I have considered turning off our internet, canceling our DVR, canceling the extended cable. Even giving up my health insurance! Do we really need two cell phones? I’d gladly give mine up. No matter how many sacrifices I offer to make, it just isn’t possible.

When I was little, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I always thought I’d be so good at it. Then while I was in college I saw myself as more of a ‘career’ woman. I enjoyed working. I enjoyed spending money. I bought things that I really couldn’t afford because I liked them. I liked having money. Then, I got married and immediately pregnant. I have now been on maternity leave since December 2, 2010. My time is officially up as of Friday, March 18, 2011. Yes, that is a much longer leave than most people take. I have had some health issues and my job has been wonderful! But now, I can’t get over that desire to stay at home with my son that I had when I was little. Is it because I’m being lazy? I don’t think so. As much as it seems like an easy job, staying home with a baby is hard work! Hard work that I absolutely love. Hard work that I would pick to do every single day for the rest of my life. I read blogs written by moms who are staying home with kiddos. I am insanely jealous of their lives. I read about what their day consists of, fun projects they do, where they went, what they did, pictures galore of their little kiddos doing all the cute things that kids do. I get so jealous. I want to do that with my son. I want to spend my days reading books to him, showing him new and exciting things, taking him to the park, taking him to Target, going to eat lunch with a friend, spend my time taking care of the most precious gift God has entrusted to me. Is that so wrong? I want to be the person that is with my son when he says his first words, walks, does his first big belly laugh. What if I’m at my stinkin’ job when he does those things? Will I be able to forgive myself? Will it tear me apart? Will I be depressed? Have panic attacks? Constant anxiety? Honestly, probably so.

I work taking care of other kids, when mine will be staying with a sitter. I should be taking care of my kid? Right? The kids I have to take care of at work have had a hard life. They need some guidance and some direction. This was my passion- not very long ago. What happened to that? Where did it go? Why am I suddenly perfectly okay not investing in those kids lives? My child is way more important. My heart hurts. I want to be the best mommy I can be. To me, that means staying home to be there for him, with him.

I love my husband. He is my soul mate. I prayed for him, and God delivered him to me at the perfect time. It’s hard on him for me to feel like this. He feels like he’s not doing enough to support his family because his salary isn’t enough. This hurts my heart even more. He works so hard. He has picked up several extra shifts to try to make ends meet. We simply need my income.

So, off I go. To a job that was my passion, that now seems like a chore. I feel like I am now one of those people who are just there for the paycheck, wishing they were somewhere else, doing something else.

Maybe one day.