March Madness Widow

Well, for the next three weeks I will be a March Madness widow. Eric is obsessed. He took off work tomorrow for the first official day of games.
When Eric was little he always managed to be 'sick' during the first couple of rounds so he could stay home from school and watch basketball.
I just asked him if he wanted to watch a tv show with me and his response was 'It's March Madness!' Ha! Should have known!
I love his passion! I have said it before- I'll say it again... He really should have been a coach! Love you sweetie!

I'm sad...

I feel like writing can be very therapeutic. So, here goes nothing.

Warning: There are no cute pictures in this post. This is me. Raw, uncensored, and un-edited. I usually don’t write posts like this. But I need to get this out. I don’t feel like I should glamorize my life for the sake of my blog. Some days are hard. This is one of them.

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No matter how hard I try, Friday is getting closer and closer. I would GLADLY go through that horrible labor process again if that meant I could have 12 more weeks with my little guy. How do moms go back to work after having a baby? It’s hard for me to admit, but money could buy me happiness! I would be so happy to stay home and take care of my sweet boy. Financially, we can’t do that though. We need my income. It. Sucks. I have cried, I have begged, I have pleaded. I have said I would eat Ramen Noodles for every meal. I have considered turning off our internet, canceling our DVR, canceling the extended cable. Even giving up my health insurance! Do we really need two cell phones? I’d gladly give mine up. No matter how many sacrifices I offer to make, it just isn’t possible.

When I was little, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I always thought I’d be so good at it. Then while I was in college I saw myself as more of a ‘career’ woman. I enjoyed working. I enjoyed spending money. I bought things that I really couldn’t afford because I liked them. I liked having money. Then, I got married and immediately pregnant. I have now been on maternity leave since December 2, 2010. My time is officially up as of Friday, March 18, 2011. Yes, that is a much longer leave than most people take. I have had some health issues and my job has been wonderful! But now, I can’t get over that desire to stay at home with my son that I had when I was little. Is it because I’m being lazy? I don’t think so. As much as it seems like an easy job, staying home with a baby is hard work! Hard work that I absolutely love. Hard work that I would pick to do every single day for the rest of my life. I read blogs written by moms who are staying home with kiddos. I am insanely jealous of their lives. I read about what their day consists of, fun projects they do, where they went, what they did, pictures galore of their little kiddos doing all the cute things that kids do. I get so jealous. I want to do that with my son. I want to spend my days reading books to him, showing him new and exciting things, taking him to the park, taking him to Target, going to eat lunch with a friend, spend my time taking care of the most precious gift God has entrusted to me. Is that so wrong? I want to be the person that is with my son when he says his first words, walks, does his first big belly laugh. What if I’m at my stinkin’ job when he does those things? Will I be able to forgive myself? Will it tear me apart? Will I be depressed? Have panic attacks? Constant anxiety? Honestly, probably so.

I work taking care of other kids, when mine will be staying with a sitter. I should be taking care of my kid? Right? The kids I have to take care of at work have had a hard life. They need some guidance and some direction. This was my passion- not very long ago. What happened to that? Where did it go? Why am I suddenly perfectly okay not investing in those kids lives? My child is way more important. My heart hurts. I want to be the best mommy I can be. To me, that means staying home to be there for him, with him.

I love my husband. He is my soul mate. I prayed for him, and God delivered him to me at the perfect time. It’s hard on him for me to feel like this. He feels like he’s not doing enough to support his family because his salary isn’t enough. This hurts my heart even more. He works so hard. He has picked up several extra shifts to try to make ends meet. We simply need my income.

So, off I go. To a job that was my passion, that now seems like a chore. I feel like I am now one of those people who are just there for the paycheck, wishing they were somewhere else, doing something else.

Maybe one day.

Three Months

Happy THREE Months Little Man!

-We don't have a 3-month checkup, so I don't have "official" doctor's office measurements, but Daddy got on the scale and then back on while holding you. By our scale you weigh 11.4 lbs.

- You have found your fists! You love to lick them and suck on them. I hope that doesn’t mean you are going to be a thumb sucker!

-You love to smile! You also “talk” to us. It is the sweetest sound Mommy and Daddy have ever heard!

-You love it when we un-swaddle you, you do the cutest little stretch and smile so big.

-You wear size 1 diapers.

-You still wear some newborn clothes but they are getting too short for you. Soon it will be all 0-3 month clothes.

-You love bright lights. You love to look at the spot lights on the ceiling at church! You have been to church with Mommy and Daddy, but haven’t stayed in the nursery yet.

-Along with the bright lights you love to look at the tv, computer screen, or anything that lights up!

-You love your changing table. We could lay you on your changing table for hours and you would just smile, kick, and play.

-Every day I feel like you learn something new!

-You are still sleeping in your cradle in mommy and daddy's room at night. You are taking your naps during the day in your crib. Mommy isn’t ready for you to sleep in your room at night yet. Maybe soon?

-Mommy loves it that you wake up every morning when Daddy leaves. You snuggle with Mommy in her bed for a little while.

-You are sleeping 7-8 hours a night waking up just once to eat, usually around 3. Mommy loves this time with you when everything is quiet and dark. We get some great cuddle time in!

-Mommy finally found a bottle that you can take. You are doing so great with it! Mommy is going to continue to pump bottles for you during the day, and nurse you at night. You haven't had any formula yet!

-Mommy has to go back to work in a couple of weeks and is dreading it so much!

**We love you so much Collin Blake! I can't believe how fast these first three months have gone. You are the light of our lives and can't imagine anything without you. You are the cutest baby ever!!

A really good weekend

This weekend was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a very long time.

Saturday night Eric and I went out to eat for our anniversary. We took little man to my parents house so we could make our 6:30 reservation at Mike’s Place. It was so nice to get dressed up and spend some quality time with Eric. We had a wonderful time! I even tried his sweet potato fries for the first time ever! They were really good! I was surprised!

After we went and picked up Collin we went home and enjoyed our wedding cake! I can’t believe I almost forgot to call and order the anniversary topper from the place that made our cake. They were so wonderful and gladly got one ready for us at the last minute. Thank you Cake & Company!

We also used our champagne flutes that my parents got us for our wedding and did a little toast (with pink lemonade of course!)

We ended the night all three piled up in our bed and watching our wedding video! I’m so glad we have it! I want to make it a tradition to watch it every year. Hopefully, Collin will think it’s cool to watch when he’s a little older!

Sunday night was Baby Dedication at church! I’m a bad mom and forgot my camera. However, the church just posted some pictures! We all went up on stage and Brother Jason prayed for us as families. It was such a perfect night. It is important to us that we raise Collin in a Christian home and teach him all we can. It is our prayer that one day Collin will accept Jesus as his personal savior. Just the thought gives me goose bumps! Collin did great while we were on stage. He got a little upset afterwards while Brother Bobby was preaching, but he was very tired! He had fallen asleep on the way to church, and was not happy about me waking him up!

Collin was presented a Bible with his name on it! So cute! My parents were also able to come to church to see his dedication. Collin LOVES his Pa and LeLe!

AND just a little added bonus: My Husband Can Change Diapers Again!!! YAY for no more cast!! I walked in to Collin's room to find him changing Collin. It's the small things that make me happy!

Happy Anniversary to us!!

One year ago today I married my best friend.

My Eric,

The last 52 weeks have been filled with so much! I’m so glad you have been by my side through it all. Leave it to us to tackle our biggest challenge and excitement in the first year of marriage… our little Collin! I know we didn’t plan to have a child right away, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I thank God every single day for you, our commitment to each other, and for the love I feel from you daily. You have been a trooper over the last year as well. Here are a little fun statistics I came up with, just for you!

Of our 52 Weeks of Marriage, I was pregnant for 36 weeks of those!

     - I am so sorry for every single time my hormones went crazy and I snapped at you. I was an absolute jerk sometimes. You never once lost your patience with me. You were so understanding with me. You know when I needed a little space. Thank you for understanding my weird cravings and going to get me peanut butter in the middle of the night because we were out.

12 weeks of those 52 we have had our precious baby boy!

     - I have seen a whole new side of you over the past 12 weeks, as you have become the best daddy ever! I love watching you with our son. I can not wait for the years to come as I get to see you experience new things with him. He is so lucky to have you! Being up in the middle of the night with me when we first brought Collin home, we learned a lot about each other. Looking back at those times we thought were so stressful, now are some of the sweetest memories I have with you.

That leaves 4 whole weeks of our marriage that it was just ‘me and you’. Fun stuff.

     *I wrote this back in November because I was so thankful for you and always want to remember these little things about you that make me smile.

I am thankful for you because…

I love you because…

1. You calm me down when I am stressed out.

2. You will go buy me peanut butter late at night just because I want a pb&j sandwich.

3. You take my car to get the oil changed.

4. I catch you watching our wedding video.

5. You go out the front door in the mornings so it doesn’t wake me up.

6. You give up things you would rather be doing to make me happy.

7. You protect me. (you have a willingness to get back up out of bed just to make sure the doors are locked.)

8. You love Kyndall.
9. You are who you are. You don’t apologize for that.

10. You have a sensitive side.

11. Collin is going to have the best dad ever! You get on the floor to play!
12. When you could get really mad at me for not keeping my Jeep clean, you just laugh at me.
13. You accept me for who I am.

14. You don’t get mad when a room in the house is REALLY dirty.

15. You do laundry all on your own (and even wash some of my stuff!)

16. You work really hard (even extra jobs) just to provide for your family.

17. You always say ‘hi’ to Jason and Bobby at church (even if you have to wait)

18. You make it known you are thankful when I cook dinner.

19. You have to wear socks or shoes in the house (never barefoot).

20. You get me something to drink at the gas station when you go get your newspaper.

21. Sometimes the smallest things excite you (especially in sports)

22. You are so passionate about sports- even though I don’t understand it sometimes!

23. You like my interest in sports and don’t think it’s weird because I am a girl.

24. You are a picky eater. I thought I was picky until I met you!

25. You let me clip your fingernails and toenails.

26. You are constantly trying to give YOURSELF a “3-count”.

27. There is NEVER a dull moment with you. I am always laughing.

28. You aren’t ashamed of your dance moves in the car.

29. You take out the trash and check the mail without being asked to.

30. You have never once put our relationship before your relationship with God. This makes our relationship SO MUCH STRONGER.

P.S. - I think you have finally realized I’m really not a morning person. This took you a while- but I’m so glad you now believe that some people just aren’t as happy as you are first thing in the morning! Ha! I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH! I look forward to many more years together.

Reese's & No More Cast

Monday when I went to Kroger for my medicine I just HAD to get some of these AMAZING things.

Oh, so good. I had to eat one in the car on the way home. Yes, here are some the wrappers, they are already gone. Don’t judge… I said I was having a bad week. Chocolate and peanut butter always make things better. AND you can only buy these things a few times a year. Hearts (Valentines Day) Eggs (Easter) Trees (Christmas)… you get the idea! I have to enjoy them when they are around!

Eric got his STINKY cast off!! Oh, I’m so happy. That thing smelled so bad! We had his appointment yesterday. Dr. G took the cast off and took some more x-rays to make sure it was all healed. Well, it’s not healed all the way yet. The part of his wrist that broke is apparently really difficult to heal. I was scared they were going to put another hard cast on. Instead, they gave him a brace to wear for 6 more weeks. He is supposed to wear it all the time, except to take a shower. Hopefully when we go back again in 6 weeks he will be completely healed!

Rough Couple of Days

I haven’t had the best week so far. It happens, I know, but it doesn’t make it any better- or easier for that matter. It just seems like it’s been one thing after another. I’m really ready for a good day. I had a doctor’s appointment Monday morning at 9:00 to have my blood pressure checked. I’m still having some issues with it getting high- nothing like it was in the hospital but still higher than it should be. I still have to go periodically to have it checked.


Collin wakes up every morning at 6:00 like clockwork. Don’t worry; I didn’t just jinx myself because Monday morning, he DIDN’T wake up at 6:00. It was 6:45!! Geez. Starting off the morning 45 minutes later than intended should have told me how our day was going to go. I fed Collin, and laid him back down while I got ready. During the day Collin eats every three hours, without fail. So, since he ate at 6:45 that meant 9:45. Right in the middle of my doctors appointment. I pumped a bottle the night before just for this reason! Yay, for being prepared! Collin doesn’t like bottles though- yes, he’s spoiled rotten. I can’t help it. Okay, maybe I can, but I’m still not back at work yet, so I’m taking every opportunity I can to bond with my little guy. I’m fine with it! I decided I would try and feed him right before we left just to ‘tide him over’ until we got back home. Well, apparently he didn’t get enough to eat before we left because he was not a happy camper in the waiting room. When I was pregnant my sister told me one time that out in public other babies will bother you if they are crying a lot, but that if it’s your baby, it doesn’t bother you. Well, I’m not sure I agree with that statement. I was trying everything to get him to calm down while every single person in that waiting room was looking at me like I was trying to make him cry. I got looks of disgust, anger, and annoyance. Not a fun way to continue the morning that already was off to a rocky start. Finally, after what felt like 2 hours they called my name. I start gathering up all of our stuff. I had taken Collin out of his car seat during his meltdown to try to get him calm, so I had him in one arm, had his diaper bag on my shoulder, and his car seat on my other arm. My hands were FULL. I did think to grab my wallet out of my purse, and shove it into his diaper bag, so at least I didn’t have a purse to also carry!

We get back to the room and start waiting again. At this point, Collin still isn’t happy, and I don’t really blame him. I was seriously interrupting his morning nap and he was not going to let me, or anyone that could hear him, forget that. I sat in the chair in the room, wrapped him up in a blanket and rocked from side to side. As soon as he closes his eyes the door opens and the doctor walks in. Just my luck. I didn’t get good news at the appointment. My blood pressure is still higher than he wants it to be. He’s changing my medication up AGAIN. I asked him why he thought it was still high and I got the same answer I always get…”because your preeclampsia was so severe it is going to take your body longer to bounce back.” I just don’t understand how long “longer” is. I’m tired of feeling sick all the time because my blood pressure is high. Dr. C did tell me that getting some exercise into my routine would help me to feel better. Just when would he like for me to get some exercise?! It’s still way too cold for me to be okay with taking Collin out in the stroller. Maybe one day soon. I go back in another month to have it checked again. I’m hoping it is better by then. We finally got back home after that appointment. I was not in a good mood, at all. I fed Collin and then we both had naptime. It’s okay for mommy to have naptime too, right?!

That afternoon when Eric got home I left Collin with him while I went to Kroger to get a few groceries and my new medicine. I was starting to check out when I get a text from Eric. Apparently Collin was not happy. Actually, he was freaking out. Eric wanted to know when I would be back. As soon as I got the message I tried to get home as fast as possible. I’ve been having some SERIOUS issues lately with anxiety and being away from Collin. Just the simple text sent me into a panic. (That’s really another post, for another time.) I get home and pick Collin up, and he immediately stops crying. Poor guy. This makes me happy and sad all at the same time. I love being that comfort and feeling so loved, but it hurts Eric’s feelings so bad and I won’t always be able to rush home to make him stop crying. I do have to go back to work eventually!

The next day wasn’t any better. I started out my day with some pretty awful news. My sister is pretty sick. Not, sick with a cold or anything, but really sick. Hopefully I will be able to share more about that soon. Please be in prayer for her.

I decided to try to get out of my funk. One thing that always puts me into a good mood is baking. I love it! I love how it makes my house smell! I have been known to buy bananas and not eat the last three so that I could make banana bread when they started going bad. Banana bread is one of my favorite things! Since I had had a stressful day I decided I would make some banana bread. It just so happened I had three bananas that needed to be either thrown away or something done with them. So here is what I did…

Ingredients:

3 or 4 ripe bananas, smashed

1/3 cup of melted butter

¾ cup of sugar

1 egg, beaten

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 ½ cups of flour

Preheat the oven to 350°F.

With a wooden spoon, mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl.

                       

Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla.

Sprinkle baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix it in.

Add the flour last, mix.

Pour mixture into a buttered 4x8 inch loaf pan

Bake for 1 hour

Cool on a rack. Enjoy!

If you follow these directions your banana bread will be amazing. However, if you forget one little important step, it will be awful. It will look like THIS.

I forgot to put in the teaspoon of baking soda. I had it out and everything. Just forgot. Maybe if I wasn’t taking pictures for my blog? Oh well. The bread is now in our trash can. So, here is your warning: Do not attempt to make this if you are exhausted, had a horrible day, have a screaming baby begging for your attention, just receive horrible news about a family member, or anything else that claims your attention.

  

Wow, that teaspoon is so very important! Who would have thought that not having that little amount could totally ruin some amazing banana bread? I promise I have made it a million times before and it is always so good. See, I told you I was having a rough week!